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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27675119">You Can Say It Now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fryes_jersey/pseuds/fryes_jersey'>fryes_jersey</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coda, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester uses his words, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Fix-It, Happy Ending, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Shapeshifting, Therapy, girl help im broken as a person bc i was dumb enough to have faith in spn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:09:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,674</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27675119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fryes_jersey/pseuds/fryes_jersey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After defeating God, Dean realizes he has a lot of things he needs to say. As a result, he makes an unexpected phone call.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You Can Say It Now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Something about your soul being violently ripped out can really get those ideas flowing! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I can try,” Jack said.</p><p></p><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Try?” Dean repeated.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Dean, Jack, and Sam were standing in the <span class="adverb">newly </span>repopulated town. The sun was shining, the sky clear of clouds, people milling around. The world was back in motion.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I can try to reason with The Empty,” Jack said. “To get Cas back. But even I know it’s not going to work. And I’m sure they are still angry about me making things ‘loud.' I don’t know how I’m going to do it.” He took a fortifying breath. "But I'm going to. Wait for me at the bunker."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>With that, he disappeared.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"So, what, we're <span class="adverb"> really </span> supposed to <span class="qualifier"> just </span> wait?" Dean asked.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"Yep," Sam said. "I guess so." </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You're joking. I don't have time for that! Jack's God now. He should be able to do whatever he wants."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"He's not God," Sam sighed. "He's Jack. And he can only do so much. Trust him. He's going to do it, Dean. Have faith in him."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <hr/>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
  <p>The days dragged on, Dean’s moods swung from pacing anxiety to a subdued hollow existence. He'd wander around the bunker trying to expel energy or curled up in bed for days.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Dean tried to keep his faith. He <span class="adverb">truly</span> did. But something in his head that told him to stop. He had a hard time clinging to faith while waiting for the one thing he placed faith in to return. And when the days turned to weeks, and when the weeks turned to months... It dried up. And while he expected this, his body still swayed with nauseating disillusionment.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It was a good thing that the sickening feeling faded when drinking everything that had an alcohol percentage.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>That is how Sam found him in the kitchen, blearily moving things around in the fridge searching for another bottle to add to the collection scattered over the floor.  </p>
  <p>"Dean, what the hell? What are you even <em>doing</em>?" </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Jack isn’t back. It’s been months, Sam." Dean stressed. "He’s not going to win. Even Cas was pretty definitive on it, too. He's not coming back." </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Dean? What? You're giving up? Why? Jack said he'd get him back."</p>
  <p>"If Jack, God 2.0, can't get Cas out of the Empty by now, then it's hopeless." </p>
  <p>"It's not hopeless! Jack said he'd find a way. And-And Cas wouldn’t have <span class="qualifier"> just </span> let himself get—“</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You weren’t there!” Dean snapped, turning toward Sam. “You didn’t hear him. You didn’t hear the goodbye, didn’t see how ready he was for—" A lump appeared in his throat, <span class="adverb"> briefly </span>choking him. He shook his head. "It's time we accept it. Cas is gone. For good. Accept it."</p>
  <p>"Like how <em>you're</em> accepting it so perfectly?" Sam gestured to the bottles on the floor. </p>
  <p>Dean felt punched. He escaped to his room, laying his back on his door as he curled into himself. Sam was right. He wasn't handling it well. How could he? There was so much that he needed to say... </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p><span class="complexword">All of </span> Dean’s emotions jammed on that day. <span class="hardreadability"> The twisted, familiar thoughts of his lifetime anger, mixing with the frustration of how this is how Dean was going out</span>. <span class="hardreadability"> Then, confusion of how Cas had such emotional thoughts about <em>him</em>, and the rising panic that his goodbye sounded too final</span>.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He needed to talk but Sam was out of the question. He couldn't pray. There was no one.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Then, Dean remembered something.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Going to his desk, he sifted through the mess and yanked at the business card under a book. He stared down at the card, his eyes reading the phone number over and over.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his phone, he dialed the number. The line only ringed for a second before it connected.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>"Vallens’ Family Therapy, this is her assistant, Tom, speaking. How can I help you?”</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yeah, uh, can I talk to Mia <span class="adverb">directly</span>? It’s a personal call. I’m a close friend."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>
      <em>“Sure… Can you give me a moment? Can I get your name?”</em>
    </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Dean.”</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Alright, please hold.”</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p><em>“Hello?” </em>A woman’s voice answered.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Mia? It’s Dean. Winchester.”</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>
      <em>“Oh… Dean. What’s happened? Is there another incident?”</em>
    </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“No, no. Nothing like that. I…” Dean paced around the room, pausing so he could attempt to breathe. “I-I need to come in,” he swallowed <span class="adverb">thickly</span>. “I need to do that… shifting thing. About talking to people who are… I need that. Please.”</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>There was a long pause.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“I can do that… Uhm, how about in two days from now?”</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Yeah, okay."</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>
      <em>“And… I’m going to need photos.”</em>
    </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Yeah, yeah. I’ll send some.”</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“I’ll see you soon, then.”</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="">
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Are you the five o’clock?” Tom asked when Dean stepped inside the house.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Uh… I guess?” Dean said, hovering at the foyer. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“She's able to see you now." Tom held out his arm to gesture to the hallway.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Thanks." </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He walked down the hallway, leaning into the large counseling room, and spotted Mia at her desk. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Mia looked up and stood at once. “Dean. You came.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“I know. I’m surprised, too," Dean conceded.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>He walked further into the room, standing in the middle of the room.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Are you sure that you still want to do this?” Mia asked.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yes.” Dean nodded. “Yeah, I need to do this.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’ll be back then.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Mia excused herself, closing the door behind her.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Dean let out a long breath. He sat himself on the couch, posture rigid, fists clenched on his knees. His knee started bouncing. Time felt so slow.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>A shudder of a door handle and the door eased open.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>Formal shoes stepped through the threshold, a beige trenchcoat swished into sight. Pale blue eyes were no longer watered with tears, the serene smile no longer had the pinch of sadness.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Cas,” Dean whispered.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Dean watched as Castiel sat next to him. His eyesight went blurry with moisture before blinking back into clarity.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“Cas,” Dean repeated.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Hello, Dean," Cas said.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Cas. <em>Cas</em>. Man, there’s so much that couldn’t say. I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. I should’ve said them that day and I didn’t.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“It’s alright, Dean... What did you want to tell me?”</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>“You deserved more than what happened. Nothing is worth what you did. I didn’t deserve it—I never deserved to <span class="passivevoice">be saved</span>. You should've saved yourself. Losing me is better than losing you. I can’t accept the fact that you'd do that for me. There's no way--"</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Dean,” Cas interrupted.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>The rambling stopped.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Cas reached out and cradled Dean’s cheek. “What I did…” He swiped away the tear track under Dean's eye. “Was because you <em>did</em> deserve to <span class="passivevoice"> be saved </span>.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You’ve always thought that, haven't you? How you described me on that day... selfless, full of love, how I lived my life for love... I never thought of myself like that a damn day in my life." Dean leaned into Cas' hand, <span class="adverb"> briefly </span>closing his eyes to indulge in the palm's warmth. "It didn't sound right. Nothing about it seemed right. And, I wondered... how someone like you, amazing--a freaking celestial being--you saw me like that. How you went through watching me make my screw-ups, me walking away from you, me letting you walk away from me... I don't know how you saw that and still loved me."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Because you are love, Dean." Cas insisted. "No matter what you did... I saw all that was inside and the love you carried. Which is what I always looked at. So take my sacrifice… and finally, live for love.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Dean's laugh was breathless and shaky. "How can I do that, though? I didn't even get to say I love you back."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Cas tilted his head, his smile growing. "You can say it now."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>A soft, stabilizing exhale. Dean reached up to overlap Cas' hand with his own and looked directly into blue eyes. "I love you, Cas. You were the one person who ever saw me. Who really saw <em>me</em>. You're... You're the end all for me. Have been for years. I'm... I'm sorry that I never said it before. That I never saw it before now."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Don't be sorry, Dean. You can finally live now."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"I don't want to say goodbye..."</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You don't have to."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <hr/>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
  <p>Mia walked Dean to the door.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I hope that it was helpful for you, Dean," Mia said.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"It was," Dean said, rubbing the last of his tears out of his eye. "Thank you. For everything. I'll see you around."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"Dean." Mia stopped him with a gentle hand. "Feel free to come back if you need anything else."</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I'll keep that in mind."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>There was a certain weight that was no longer on his shoulders as he climbed inside the Impala and headed home.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
  <p>The bunker's main room was empty when Dean topped off the last step. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Sammy?" Dean called out.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Sam rushed around the hallway. "Dean! I was about to call you. Jack's back. He did it."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"What?"</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Follow me."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>Dean trailed after Sam as they headed towards the infirmary. Dean found Jack in a bed, his back resting against the metal bars, eating nougat. There was a slight grey tinge to his skin, but he looked satisfied as he smiled at--</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Cas?" Dean echoed. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Castiel turned. Pale blue eyes, a serene face, but it was <em>real </em>this time.</p>
  <p>"Hello, Dean," Cas greeted, standing. "I--" He got interrupted by Dean rushing over to him, gripping him tight, and kissing him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Cas's eyes went wide as he was <span class="adverb">slightly </span>tilted back by the force of Dean's kiss.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>They separated and Dean tucked his face into Cas' neck.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>I <span class="adverb">really</span> don't have to say goodbye.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Pulling away from Cas' neck, Dean took a long look at Jack. "What happened?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"It took me a while but... I won against a cosmic entity!" Jack grinned. "Isn't that cool?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"Yeah, kid. Beyond awesome. Remind me to never doubt you again."</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
    <p>"Dean?" Cas turned the attention back to him. The astoundment on his face hadn't eased. "Uhm..." He looked down at Dean's arms still <span class="adverb">snugly </span>around his waist. "What?"</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Can I talk to you? There are some things I want to say."</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://youtu.be/pkfwRk7GGb0">Here's the song that inspired the "losing me is better than losing you" sentence and my 15x18 anthem</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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